Crosses that we bear
by Izzu
Summary: She had a lot to think about... after returning alive from being held hostage.
1. Chapter 1

_"Now, how many times have I told you? ... more likely to get shot... being around a guy with a gun."_

She never really thought about it, the true relationship between that 'Private Ryan' and Yoo Sijin. Then again, she never really _had_ a reason to think about it. All that she ever knew was that Sijin had saved the person in the past, and somehow now... being an arms dealer; the man somehow kept reappearing before them.

She should have been able to pick up something. Because the facts had always been there... out in the open.

 _"You should break up with him now. This is an advice, not a warning."_

When she thought about it, it was strange. From the very beginning, that person had always taken a special interest towards her... ever since the incident at the ghost village. No, not _exactly_. Not _her_. The more she thought about it, that man started paying attention to her because of _Sijin_.

 _"Are you crazy?"_

 _"I guess... you can say that..."_

 _"I think I had the advantage... this time, Big Boss."_

The more she thought about it... that man always seemed to want to hurt Sijin whenever possible. Using _her_. That man always did seem to keep wanting to remind her how dangerous Sijin was to her. That man intentionally kidnapped her because he _knew_ that it would hurt Sijin the most. Because it gave _him_ an advantage.

She should have been able to pick up those hints. That there was something _more_ between those two than what it seemed. That person... to Sijin, was not just a former fellow soldier he met in the past. There's something more to that. If only she knew what it was.

xxx

The moment the helicopter landed, Sijin rushed out without a word. She wanted to follow right away but Sergeant Seo stopped her. They ended up thanking the Arabs for their help before watching them leave. And she had to wait even _more_ before retracing Sijin's steps; once she was sure that Sergeant Seo and Choi stopped paying attention to her.

 _"Big Boss. He's smart, funny...and mysterious."_

 _"But... he has a **lot** of secrets..."_

It wasn't as if she did not trust Sijin. It wasn't as if she wasn't aware that Sijin could have secrets that he couldn't tell her. Being in his line of jobs, there are bound to be many things that he wasn't allowed to reveal. Secrets... after all, comes in many forms. Even doctors had to keep some secrets... especially relating to the patients they treat. She understood that... yet she still traced his footsteps towards where Sijin might hide.

She never thought that she could see him looking even more broken that he already was at that very moment.

xxx

 _"Was there... any more lies you told me because you didn't want me to worry?"_

 _"There wasn't... any more lies... other than that."_

She didn't want to say those words to hurt him. She didn't. She was hoping that he could perhaps confide to her about the things that were hurting him. Especially after last night. She found out more than she could ever hope. She thought he would open up to her after that but he didn't. And it hurt her to see him suffering alone, with secrets that he couldn't share with her.

 _"Big Boss. He's smart, funny... and mysterious."_

 _"He'll disappear from time to time. He'll be hard to contact. And then, one day... He'll never come back."_

It's strange to think that someone like that would give her an advice... but it did make her think. Even if that man might have said all those things to scare her; intimidate her. Was Sijin... really someone that she could _truly_ handle?

xxx

 _"Do you want to break up with me?"_

Those words kept ringing in her mind. And with it, brought everything else back from the back of her mind. Why Sijin never argued with her decisions in the past whenever she rejected or break up with him. On why letting her see any hint of the true reality of his job as a soldier was his 'disadvantage'. Why he never tried to push it whenever she set her boundaries against him.

Always... she realised; Sijin must have had fears that she would continue pushing him away, not returning his feelings for her. Or just... leave him. Because that was the more _convenient_ , safer choice. Yet she knew... that despite everything, Sijin _needed_ her to be by his side. And she needed him.

There's no turning back now. Both of them had gone too deep to back away. Both of them had loved each other too much.

 _"Forget this..."_

It's strange when she thought back. Rather than the horror of seeing a man being shot to death before her; the image that she couldn't forget was not that. It was Sijin. She could recall it ever so clearly. How his hand had shook, the choked sob that she could barely hear coming from him as he pulled the trigger. Over and over. She could see it so clearly. The tears that streamed down his cheeks as he mustered his courage to kill _Private Ryan_. Perhaps _that_ was the reason she couldn't help following him last night.

 _"... if we have to kill him, I'll do my job... and kill him."_

Before, she never realised the weight of those words. But now... she realised the reason Sijin said that; wasn't because he couldn't shoot _Ryan_ , but because if it was possible... Sijin didn't want to have to kill him. He was _trying_ to convince himself that he could kill him. If he needed to. Even if...

 _... it meant that he have to kill the person he once considered a friend._

A friend. That must be it. Maybe. She couldn't imagine it if their relationship was _much more than that_. Because if it was... just how much could Sijin's pain _really_ be? How could he bear all that by himself?

She recalled seeing the image of that man and Sijin, smiling in the picture that was slowly burning away. It was a brief glimpse... but she couldn't forget those smiles worn by those two men.

 _"I want you... to forget this as well..."_

That's what she said... last night. Sijin had cried even more after that. She wished she could have done something— _said_ anything—more than that.

xxx

She cried. Remembering just how many tears the man she loved shed earlier, as well as crying because of her own helplessness. Courage. She needed courage. And wondering just how she could convey all of her thoughts and feelings that would lead towards her ultimate decision. She splashed some water to wash her face.

In which, moments later she walked up towards Yoo Sijin and asked him to meet her at the chapel... bringing some coffee.


	2. Chapter 2

_"I just wanted to know... if you're someone that I could handle."_

He always dreaded those kinds of words... coming from her. Because it wasn't the kind of argument he would be able to win. He could tell Moyeon many times not to worry about him... and she would _still_ be anxious for him. And he couldn't fault her for that. The dangers to his life would always be present, as long as he remained a soldier.

 _"Like you mother said, you should've become a judge."_

He chuckled. As if he could have met Moyeon if he _was_ one. He joked about it, yes... but at times, he did use to wonder if it would have been better if he had chosen a _safer_ job. Would he even be suitable for that kind of job? He sighed. Probably not. Especially anything involving a lot of _paperwork_. He hated that a lot.

In the end, he couldn't imagine his life other than the one he has currently. Like he used to say to his father; he was smart... and athletic. Being a judge or a doctor would have been a waste of his talents.

Yet it doesn't change the fact that it made it harder for him to find a life partner. More reasons now... he wished his mother was still around. Or he could just ask his father on how he would have handled this. But no... he didn't want his father to see him crying. Since confiding to his father about these things would have made him emotional, and he didn't want to make his father feel bad. It's not his father's fault that he ended up becoming a soldier. That was his own choice. Even though, being a _son_ of one _did_ influence his life choices a bit.

"Sir..."

Sijin glanced up, as the corporal who was driving the jeep he's riding stared back at him. "The ambulance has arrived."

He got out, as he watched the men carry a casket out and placed it beside the carrier craft. A plain casket, in which the lifeless body of David Argus... the man he used to respect; was placed in. He recalled the many funerals he went to... of the many fallen fellow soldiers that perished while maintaining the peace. Compared to that... this was...

"Received your gift, Big Boss."

He glanced towards the American soldier as they exchanged a few words. Frankly, he was glad that Jordan was there. At least, it was someone that he knows. As well as someone who knows Argus. Even though... he did feel bad that his actions caused them some trouble. But perhaps there was something good... out of this incident. He might as well try to look at it positively.

And... learning that his friend had helped him indirectly, even if it meant botching his own operation; made him glad to know that he _still_ had some good allies by his side.

He glanced again towards the casket, devoid of any national flag covering it, no flowers, portraits, or anything else that were usually present during any other funeral rites. Only bearing a slip of paper, listing the information of the dead. Despite everything, his heart still hurts at the sight.

"Seems very lonely, with no honour and no country to serve."

He wondered what could have happened before... to have caused Argus to leave the army. And led the life of an arms dealer. A part of him wondered, that as much as his life had been affected ever since Captain Kim's death... could it be the same to Argus? Because that was the last time he ever saw him, as a Delta Force captain. What went wrong back then?

 _Would it ever happen to him?_

xxx

 _"Big Boss. Even if I never see you again, you stay alive. You stay well."_

Was he too obvious? Even Jordan was worrying about him. Then again... their jobs had always been wrought with danger. His thoughts hovered around Argus again. And Moyeon.

 _"Was there... any more lies you told me because you didn't want me to worry?"_

When she was with them, did Argus said anything to her? Argus at least had hit her once; what else did he do to Moyeon that he didn't know? A part of him feel uncertain now. As much as he had faith in himself that he could do anything that he aimed to do, sometimes... things don't usually went as planned. As much as he believed in his own abilities, being over-confident would be bad in his line of work.

He sighed.

Last night, he almost lost Kang Moyeon. Today... despite the fact she's still alive, would he still _lose_ her?

"How about some coffee?"

"Can you get us some coffee? I'll wait at the chapel..."

To say that his heart was hammering wildly, that was really stating it mildly.

xxx

He held out a cup towards her, steeling himself for the inevitable. For the start of yet another breakup talk... or just something.

What he didn't expect was getting a hug.


	3. Chapter 3

He looked _scared_.

Well, she couldn't blame him. He must be thinking that she was going to break up with him. Like he often did, in the past.

It was really odd. She has seen how undaunted the man before her had been when faced with threats of danger. No guns or blades or disaster could send the man cowering in fear. Yet when it comes to _her_ anger, _her_ rejection... _her_ safety; it was enough to bring tears to that man's eyes.

He really loved her. This man loved her so much that _anything_ she does to him could make or break him. She wasn't sure if she should be happy... or _fearful_ over that fact.

Moyeon waited until Sijin was standing right in front of her, holding both cups of coffee in his hands. Because she too can do the exact same thing to him. Keeping his hands preoccupied with something else as she did the unexpected. And that's _exactly_ what she did. She walked straight towards him—Sijin still had the look of confusion on him—as she hugged him.

She could feel his muscles tensed, as she held him tighter. It was something she had wanted to do last night but _couldn't_. Because it didn't feel appropriate. Even then she had wanted to comfort him properly, but no words she could say would have given it justice.

So a hug. Because even a courageous soldier like Sijin needed a hug. Because that child who had cried his heart all night last night needed the hug. Because she wanted to show him that even if he couldn't tell her many things that may cause him grief, he could still do it like this.

She might not be able to get him to tell her about the burdens he carried; but she sure as hell could share his burden regardless. If she could provide him all the comfort and strengths that he needed to keep going, that should be enough for her.

If that could bring a smile to that man's face.

xxx

 _"So I decided to embrace you for who you are."_

His mind was still in a whirlwind over that sentence, but it lightened his heart so much that jokes came out of his mouth so freely. Kang Moyeon _really_ conveyed her message clearly to him. Not only in words but in her actions.

She really does shines brightly. Brightening up his world. Like the brightest star in the universe. Like a _sun_.

He pulled her close.

"So pretty..."


End file.
